On Dating, Dancing, and Indecisiveness
Last night in Salsa class, we reviewed a dance pattern that I’ve been practicing a lot. As I went through the steps, I found myself, most of the time, just doing it. I was really smooth, almost sexy even. I led my partner well too and helped her look really good. I was like “Wow! I didn’t know I was capable of this.” Then the instructor introduced some new moves and some variations to the old moves. When I did that stuff, everything just kind of fell apart. I was anything but smooth and sexy. Worse than that though is that Salsa is a two person dance and I am expected to lead the other person through her moves. How am I supposed to lead when I can barely do it myself? To make matters even worse, because there are variations of certain moves and it all happens so fast, I found myself several times last night leading my dance partner through two moves at once, which obviously doesn’t work. I couldn’t decide which direction I was going and so my partner had to choose for herself which part of my lead to follow! I was giving mixed signals, and for those that don’t know, that is a big no-no!
There’s a scene in the movie “Rudy” where a pretty female walks up to Rudy and his friend D-Bob (played by Jon Favreau) and says to D-Bob, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I just have to ask you… have we met somewhere before?” D-Bob’s response: “…” His mouth opens but no words come out. D-Bob is shocked that such a woman would even approach him, so Rudy, who is too focused on other things to get nervous or insecure about women, has to do all the talking for him.
Anyone who knows me from back in the day knows that I can relate to D-Bob. I often locked up around certain girls and was prone to stumbling over my words. I wasn’t exactly a casanova.
Anyone who has met me in the last two years or so probably sees me as being more like Rudy. With all that I have going on in my life, I have little capacity to get nervous about females. In fact, I am always around pretty ladies. We smile, joke, play games, go out for coffee, dance, etc. Here’s the kicker though: when I am interested in a woman as just a friend, I act much like Rudy. As soon as I become interested in a woman as more than a friend, I start to feel and act a lot more like D-Bob! Guess how many non-romantic, completely plutonic dates I’ve been on with ladies in the past two years? … I don’t know either, but it’s a lot. Guess how many romantic dates I’ve been on? Hmmm… let me add them up in my head. 1…2……I know. Zero. Not one. I’ve been perpetually in the “Friend Zone”.
Very recently I found myself in the “friend zone” with someone and I tried to get out. Let me just say that I tried too little too late, messed it up, and then tried to fix it in a way that actually made things worse. During and after that whole debacle I decided that I needed to rethink my dating, or should I say non-dating, philosophy.
Now here I am, again, having feelings of “I don’t want to be in the friend zone with this person.” The thing is that I don’t know exactly how to do that. Either I never did or I’ve forgotten. In any case, romantic dating, for me at the moment, is like being in a foreign country.
Regarding the woman I am interested in at the moment, we are around each other on a rather consistent basis. With many of the ladies around us, I smile and joke and more. With this person, I virtually lock up. I am often organizing groups to go out dancing at clubs, but I’ve never invited her! More than once, she’s been right next to me when I invited someone else! Ugh! I’m like D-Bob, with my mouth open and no words coming out. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but I have stumbled over my words several times around her. Also, on multiple occasions, I have experienced total short-term memory loss in terms of dance moves while dancing with her. Total disaster. When I get around her, my brain goes, “Uh… uh… What do I do now? Do I smile? How long should I look her in the eye? Do I tell her how pretty she looks? Do I compliment her dancing abilities? Is now the time to ask her out? …” Talk about being indecisive.
As far as I know, I haven’t messed things up yet. But if I stay in this state of indecisiveness, she’s gonna lose interest… if she has or had any to begin with.
I went to a Halloween party a few weeks ago. The whole night, there was an attractive woman who was trying hard to get my attention from across the room. Her face repeatedly and very loudly said, “Come talk to me. Ask me to dance. Something!” I considered approaching her but never did. At the end of the night, she went upstairs arm in arm with a man dressed as Buddy the Elf. She “accidentally” bumped into me at the bottom of the stairs as she passed and then looked back down at me with a spiteful expression that said “Looks like you missed your chance, chief!”
On the dance floor and in the dating world, you can’t be indecisive. You have to know where you’re going. In social dancing, part of the man’s responsibility is to lead the woman. If he doesn’t do that well, she can’t do her part. And, eventually, she’s probably going to look for another partner. In both cases, I’ve got my work cut out for me.
“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” ~Lewis Carroll
P.S. I often stumble over my words while trying to dance and talk at the same time with anyone, but that has to do with focusing on too many things at once, not (necessarily) nervousness.
